note, summer, memories..

I found a note again, dated 08.08.12 and this is what in it:

“Summer.. You close your eyes and see how you, 10 years old, race barefoot along the dusty road.. or  see how you’re sitting on a tree with an apricot in your hand or splashing in a cool pond and you can even remember how wet hair touched your tanned skin.. then you see yourself with a large slice of watermelon and sweet juice runs down your arms and chin… also you see yourself at the table in front of a huge, as it seemed at that age, grandmother’s plate of borscht… you do remember your own carefree laughter, games and friends, chat on a bench under the sky full of stars, and how you dreamt to grow up faster..
and in those brief moments you feel life again..
I heard that summer is a little life, but it seems that only in childhood.. “

*

I know that these memories have some value only for me but I don’t want to change anything…

knock-out..

A thought was clear when my head rested on the pillow last night, and the sentences were formed without difficulties. I hoped that there won’t be any problems with the transfer of that idea into the paper in the morning.

And now all I remember – is the individual words and phrases, and I had to strain some forces for writing this text.

A plenty of unpleasant moments overload my memory at this moment. I want to speak out, but it’s hard to begin.

The truth is that disappointments and betrayals are accompanying us all our life. The process of overcoming disappointment people have the habit to call – maturing. It is assumed that we have to draw conclusions and learn from our own mistakes, to prevent any repetition of a similar situation in the future.

I don’t know how about others, but this formula doesn’t work for me.

I read somewhere that there is a material that can be crushed and made in any shape, but after a while it returns to its previous state. That’s how I feel. All the experience and every received blow deformed me and my mind, but only for a while.

I know that I’m not a quick learner, who is unable to learn from the past and condemned to repeat it. I prefer to look at this world in the same way as I always do, with eyes wide open, in expectation, that in my life will be people who never have a desire to knock out my, opened for them, soul.

*

And every time I write I doubt that thought is filed correctly, but I can’t leave this inside of my head, so it’s fine…

a wrong puzzle..

Do you ever want your life was like a good movie?!

As if you start to watch it (I mean movie) without great interest, but the beginning seems to be, don’t know, encouraging, then you find that actors are very kind and everything is evolving, let’s say, briskly enough, but later there comes a time when you notice that nothing is happening and you feel bored, but you still feel drawn to the characters in that movie and your desire to know how it ends hasn’t gone anywhere. Then former boredom goes away, as if there had been no mention of it, and you start to applaud mentally to the screenwriter and wipe away your own tears sometimes. So you are overwhelmed with happiness when the end credits come and you are almost sure that better movie has not been made yet.

Now my life is at the stage when you feel like you are a small detail from a big puzzle looking for a place to fit perfectly but… but the truth is that it’s a wrong puzzle…

Oh wait, this wasn’t in the list…

don’t break these guys, please!..

I always wonder that inspiration, strong enough to bring me to take a pen into my hand, can come from unexpected side suddenly and lie in wait in themes I never know I want to write about.

For example, I never thought I want to write a few kind words in support of teenage boy’s band.

But let me start from the very beginning.

Sometimes I go to the food market during the lunch break and very often I meet aged lady on my way at the same place, almost at the same time. At first, I just passed by, then I began to greet her and later we started to speak briefly. That was overcast and ordinary working day. I have to admit I go to my work without pleasure. I won’t go into this matter further, I just want to make it clear that I was, let’s say, in a grey mood. In short, I had nothing to say to her and I just smiled.

She smiled and asked me: “Why do you smile?”
I said: “I smile for you!”
She smiled again and said: “Like the sun?”

My smile grew wider, and I realized that her phrase has changed my day, because an ordinary day turned to a wonderful day. And I don’t even know her name.

So, I wanted to do something good. I wanted to do something good without any reason.

It happened that after the signing of the petitions on Urgency network and Care2 websites, I came across the information that the young boy’s band “One Direction” was booed while receiving the award at VMA. I know this information is completely different in content but I was curious, because when I was a schoolgirl, I was somewhat a fan of bands like Backstreet Boys and ‘NSYNC. So I listened to a few songs and now I can say this genre of music isn’t that I prefer. But!..

But I couldn’t figure out the reason why they had to be so humiliated.

Moreover I watched a few video where the guys visit Ghana with a charity mission. Honestly, I doubt my mind could cope with such a heavy burden at their age. And though their bodies are entirely dotted with tattoos, because of this charity mission I have a hope that they have the qualities to go through thick and thin with dignity.

Guys from One Direction visit GhanaBy the way, if you feel that you became hardened or forgot when you use your own humanity, that video will be a great and useful training.

I want to repeat I haven’t found any reason to hate these individual guys. On the contrary, it seems or rather I feel like these guys radiate the warm naive goodness. In such moments I don’t want them to grow up. When we mature, we learn to hide our tears when we are sad, we have to hide our own naivety and goodness, because for adult it’s like a visiting card of a weakling in the modern world. But it is precisely due to these things we are still able to find the beauty in the grey days and we shouldn’t be ashamed of our tears, because there are enough reasons for them.

So that’s why I wrote all of this: People do not let hatred come into your soul and do not break these guys, please!

P.S. I’ve always said that I believe in the word and I think so now. I know a good word can go a long way; there should always be a place and time for it.

catch the moments..

Sometimes when I’m in the company of friends, I’m glad that I’m not a leader, because no one is waiting for action from me. So I have the opportunity just to sit quietly and to catch the moments of life, to savor them, to bathe in them…

Everything happens as if in slow motion before my eyes, the sounds disappear, I feel warmth inside and a quick look around will lead to the idea that all this is scenery, and I’m one of those who forgot to read the script.

But it does not seem to matter.

And I continue to stir the coffee in a porcelain mug, watch how dark liquid is swaying and the light of bulbs reflects in it.

In moments like this, I do not think that I’m unable to do everything in time, in such moments I’m sure that in old age I will not regret how I spent my life..

Is not this happiness to accept a small thing as a miracle?!

“evening”, cinema and a bird in a glass box..

I often tried to write that I like movies. And there was always a huge number of words that were annoying and depressing me next time I read.

Only when I watched the film “Evening”, I was able to formulate what I feel about cinema at all.

Even though, this copy of filmmaking absolutely has no shortage of the stars of the ‘first’ magnitude, and some people most likely consider, that there are too many of them, but I could say that this movie is not a masterpiece and it won’t be shown on every March 8. I’m more than assured of it as well as of the fact that not every moviegoer has seen it, and an annotation doesn’t appeal to those who are in search of an object for evening viewing.

And despite the fact that while viewing there were moments when I felt like a bird in a glass box, that is aware of the deplorable situation, but continues to beat its wings, burning the rest of the air and breaking its own heart, I think this film is beautiful. I can say more, even sadness has its own special beauty in this movie.

This work of cinematography has left its unique mark on the canvas of my soul, and now I have to look through it at the world.

A list of films that have left their trace is big enough and I’m happy that I feel what I feel.

thud..

heartOne night I was lying on my left side. I was lying in that position for a long time. I felt the pain in my ear, but I didn’t want to change that position, because I was listening to the thumping of my heart.
And suddenly I imagined it, not in the way it is shown on the lessons of anatomy, but in the way it is drawn on the cards for Valentine’s Day. And there was a box with a big hole for the key directly in the center of one of the walls inside of that heart. And that thud, I heard, came from there. As if someone was closed there. And he fought against the walls, without expectation that they give in, but in the hope that the search for the key wouldn’t stop..