What if, with that set of qualities that define your character, some of which are instilled due to people who were around you and your own environment at all in maturing period, others – due to conclusions you draw from reading the books or observed situations, especially those that are not rejected by your own stubborn consciousness and not contradict mental settings, existence in this world is possible, but there is no option to be happy?!.
Just as the efforts of a small child who is trying to push a square object in a triangular hole, doomed to failure.

In brief, total discrepancy..



a wrong puzzle..

Do you ever want your life was like a good movie?!

As if you start to watch it (I mean movie) without great interest, but the beginning seems to be, don’t know, encouraging, then you find that actors are very kind and everything is evolving, let’s say, briskly enough, but later there comes a time when you notice that nothing is happening and you feel bored, but you still feel drawn to the characters in that movie and your desire to know how it ends hasn’t gone anywhere. Then former boredom goes away, as if there had been no mention of it, and you start to applaud mentally to the screenwriter and wipe away your own tears sometimes. So you are overwhelmed with happiness when the end credits come and you are almost sure that better movie has not been made yet.

Now my life is at the stage when you feel like you are a small detail from a big puzzle looking for a place to fit perfectly but… but the truth is that it’s a wrong puzzle…

Oh wait, this wasn’t in the list…

catch the moments..

Sometimes when I’m in the company of friends, I’m glad that I’m not a leader, because no one is waiting for action from me. So I have the opportunity just to sit quietly and to catch the moments of life, to savor them, to bathe in them…

Everything happens as if in slow motion before my eyes, the sounds disappear, I feel warmth inside and a quick look around will lead to the idea that all this is scenery, and I’m one of those who forgot to read the script.

But it does not seem to matter.

And I continue to stir the coffee in a porcelain mug, watch how dark liquid is swaying and the light of bulbs reflects in it.

In moments like this, I do not think that I’m unable to do everything in time, in such moments I’m sure that in old age I will not regret how I spent my life..

Is not this happiness to accept a small thing as a miracle?!

illogical post..

Iscariot by Boyd Holbrook

Before I begin, I have to warn you that most likely this post may seem illogical.

It is amazing how things can call up old memories. Even completely unrelated things can affect the right thread of your mind, and you suddenly find yourself in a totally different time.

That happened with me when I saw installation “Iscariot” by Boyd Holbrook.

When I saw the things that are shown in the photo I thought about peace at first. I thought that it is possible to accept your own fate obediently. And after this I went back to the past, when one woman I knew said that my sister is smart and will definitely do a good career but happy marriage falls to my lot.

Honestly, I almost heard that I was called a fool. I was indignant at that, of course. I felt indignation inside of me so I made an effort to get out of the place that didn’t promise a good future for me and I moved to a more pleasant place, as it seemed at that moment, to prove that I can really do something too.

I won’t pursue further how my situation is getting on now, but success in career doesn’t give the pleasure which I expected.

I consider as main idea, after all seeing and deliberated, the following: what if we could meekly accept our own fate, so to speak, abandon all attempts to escape from cuddle of life and, without doubts, trust the Powers of High, so we can feel peace comparable to taking a bath full of soap bubbles?

I can’t imagine how far or close I’m to the plan of the author… And by the way, I warned you that this post will probably be illogical.

I can’t draw..

When I receive notification of a new subscriber, I feel some responsibility and I can’t afford to be silent for a long time. So, I’ll tell what postponed my sleep a little bit yesterday…

Prehistory. I don’t like my job, but I can cope with it well, therefore, I continue to fulfill it. Everyone needs some interest that helps to distract his mind in such a situation. In search of a new hobby I came across drawing courses.

What happened next? I haven’t signed up for the courses yet. I just understood that I can’t draw. But! But I remembered the elementary school and the teacher of drawing. After that the memory that I liked to draw came. I was often praised until our class get a new girl, whose drawings were better than mine, because the teacher stopped to praise me.

Result. I realized how my classmates felt at the time when I was happy about new praise and I was embarrassed for having rejoiced in my superiority. And no, I didn’t try harder to earn new praise and return the favour of my teacher.

Why am I writing about this?  I don’t know. Most likely, I took the wrong  solution or I didn’t draw a correct conclusion. But I know that not everyone can be a leader as well as not everyone have to be.

P.S. Drawing courses still are on the agenda.


Have you ever felt yourself as an unsuitable person

As though you’re swimming against the swift current, difficult to overcome every inch of own way, while many and many boats full of people who observe wonderingly your efforts pass by… 

And your hands become weaker, but you keep doing what you do without awareness of reason, but in the hope that the chain will close and there will be time when everything becomes clear…