anxious thoughts

guess-work & reality..

CxIfcWNhG48You think you have foreseen everything that could happen with you in the nearest future but life oratorically signals that your imagination is the way not good enough at all.


before my eyes..

zepdUOYkG-YI feel like some secrets of life were bared before my eyes. I want to stop and I want nothing more to know, but it’s impossible because there is a fucking running track under my feet so if I stop I will definitely hit the damn wall.

through the veins..

Despite the fact that I don’t spend much time on my little sad blog, I continue to love it. So now I want to share a new note that I found recently: “Did you know there are people-wolves? No, I’m not talking about werewolves. But I’m pretty much sure they exist too. These are people familiarity with whom doesn’t portend pain or frustration until you relax and allow yourself to approach close enough..

But I want to talk about quite different example of human nature.. About those who are always ready to do everything for their own “troop” and those who’ll never be able to spend their own devotion to objects that haven’t natural desire to value such acts and won’t respond in a similar way. Yes, they are not marching in step with the time, because every molecule will rise in revolt and will resist if only somebody attempts to impose foreign truth on them. Live according to others rules is not an option, because to feel like a beast closed in a too small cage by not very attentive zoo worker, has nothing in common with the definition of life that was put in them by nature.”

There wasn’t any date, so I have no idea when these words were written by me. I just know that I always felt great admiration about so smart and especial representatives of the animal world – wolves, as well as I with bated breath watch strong people who know exactly what life they want to live, who always say words they can’t keep inside and never wait for the perfect moment to speak out, who don’t need to read the Bible to know what is right and what is wrong because these definitions are flowing through their veins and stuck in their brain since they were born.

So yes, I know what I meant when I was writing these words..


A thought was clear when my head rested on the pillow last night, and the sentences were formed without difficulties. I hoped that there won’t be any problems with the transfer of that idea into the paper in the morning.

And now all I remember – is the individual words and phrases, and I had to strain some forces for writing this text.

A plenty of unpleasant moments overload my memory at this moment. I want to speak out, but it’s hard to begin.

The truth is that disappointments and betrayals are accompanying us all our life. The process of overcoming disappointment people have the habit to call – maturing. It is assumed that we have to draw conclusions and learn from our own mistakes, to prevent any repetition of a similar situation in the future.

I don’t know how about others, but this formula doesn’t work for me.

I read somewhere that there is a material that can be crushed and made in any shape, but after a while it returns to its previous state. That’s how I feel. All the experience and every received blow deformed me and my mind, but only for a while.

I know that I’m not a quick learner, who is unable to learn from the past and condemned to repeat it. I prefer to look at this world in the same way as I always do, with eyes wide open, in expectation, that in my life will be people who never have a desire to knock out my, opened for them, soul.


And every time I write I doubt that thought is filed correctly, but I can’t leave this inside of my head, so it’s fine…

a wrong puzzle..

Do you ever want your life was like a good movie?!

As if you start to watch it (I mean movie) without great interest, but the beginning seems to be, don’t know, encouraging, then you find that actors are very kind and everything is evolving, let’s say, briskly enough, but later there comes a time when you notice that nothing is happening and you feel bored, but you still feel drawn to the characters in that movie and your desire to know how it ends hasn’t gone anywhere. Then former boredom goes away, as if there had been no mention of it, and you start to applaud mentally to the screenwriter and wipe away your own tears sometimes. So you are overwhelmed with happiness when the end credits come and you are almost sure that better movie has not been made yet.

Now my life is at the stage when you feel like you are a small detail from a big puzzle looking for a place to fit perfectly but… but the truth is that it’s a wrong puzzle…

Oh wait, this wasn’t in the list…

illogical post..

Iscariot by Boyd Holbrook

Before I begin, I have to warn you that most likely this post may seem illogical.

It is amazing how things can call up old memories. Even completely unrelated things can affect the right thread of your mind, and you suddenly find yourself in a totally different time.

That happened with me when I saw installation “Iscariot” by Boyd Holbrook.

When I saw the things that are shown in the photo I thought about peace at first. I thought that it is possible to accept your own fate obediently. And after this I went back to the past, when one woman I knew said that my sister is smart and will definitely do a good career but happy marriage falls to my lot.

Honestly, I almost heard that I was called a fool. I was indignant at that, of course. I felt indignation inside of me so I made an effort to get out of the place that didn’t promise a good future for me and I moved to a more pleasant place, as it seemed at that moment, to prove that I can really do something too.

I won’t pursue further how my situation is getting on now, but success in career doesn’t give the pleasure which I expected.

I consider as main idea, after all seeing and deliberated, the following: what if we could meekly accept our own fate, so to speak, abandon all attempts to escape from cuddle of life and, without doubts, trust the Powers of High, so we can feel peace comparable to taking a bath full of soap bubbles?

I can’t imagine how far or close I’m to the plan of the author… And by the way, I warned you that this post will probably be illogical.

a part of soul..

Sometimes thoughts in your head are going around in a circle and you can’t say anything (because you think that you have no right)…

You reproduce a whole number of questions and answers or even the whole monologues with explanations in your mind, knowing they will never be words that passed your lips.

But they are still spinning and spinning… until they burn out, leaving behind a scorched place and then you feel like you lost a small part of your own soul…