I feel like some secrets of life were bared before my eyes. I want to stop and I want nothing more to know, but it’s impossible because there is a fucking running track under my feet so if I stop I will definitely hit the damn wall.
A thought was clear when my head rested on the pillow last night, and the sentences were formed without difficulties. I hoped that there won’t be any problems with the transfer of that idea into the paper in the morning.
And now all I remember – is the individual words and phrases, and I had to strain some forces for writing this text.
A plenty of unpleasant moments overload my memory at this moment. I want to speak out, but it’s hard to begin.
The truth is that disappointments and betrayals are accompanying us all our life. The process of overcoming disappointment people have the habit to call – maturing. It is assumed that we have to draw conclusions and learn from our own mistakes, to prevent any repetition of a similar situation in the future.
I don’t know how about others, but this formula doesn’t work for me.
I read somewhere that there is a material that can be crushed and made in any shape, but after a while it returns to its previous state. That’s how I feel. All the experience and every received blow deformed me and my mind, but only for a while.
I know that I’m not a quick learner, who is unable to learn from the past and condemned to repeat it. I prefer to look at this world in the same way as I always do, with eyes wide open, in expectation, that in my life will be people who never have a desire to knock out my, opened for them, soul.
And every time I write I doubt that thought is filed correctly, but I can’t leave this inside of my head, so it’s fine…
I often tried to write that I like movies. And there was always a huge number of words that were annoying and depressing me next time I read.
Only when I watched the film “Evening”, I was able to formulate what I feel about cinema at all.
Even though, this copy of filmmaking absolutely has no shortage of the stars of the ‘first’ magnitude, and some people most likely consider, that there are too many of them, but I could say that this movie is not a masterpiece and it won’t be shown on every March 8. I’m more than assured of it as well as of the fact that not every moviegoer has seen it, and an annotation doesn’t appeal to those who are in search of an object for evening viewing.
And despite the fact that while viewing there were moments when I felt like a bird in a glass box, that is aware of the deplorable situation, but continues to beat its wings, burning the rest of the air and breaking its own heart, I think this film is beautiful. I can say more, even sadness has its own special beauty in this movie.
This work of cinematography has left its unique mark on the canvas of my soul, and now I have to look through it at the world.
A list of films that have left their trace is big enough and I’m happy that I feel what I feel.
One night I was lying on my left side. I was lying in that position for a long time. I felt the pain in my ear, but I didn’t want to change that position, because I was listening to the thumping of my heart.
And suddenly I imagined it, not in the way it is shown on the lessons of anatomy, but in the way it is drawn on the cards for Valentine’s Day. And there was a box with a big hole for the key directly in the center of one of the walls inside of that heart. And that thud, I heard, came from there. As if someone was closed there. And he fought against the walls, without expectation that they give in, but in the hope that the search for the key wouldn’t stop..
when I imagine, how I walk through the woods… I mean the forest, after the rain… the feeling I get are as if not only my lungs fill with moist air, but also my head… and I wash away all the anxious thoughts with the help of this saving moisture and my mind is always grateful for that…
but I only imagine this…
When I receive notification of a new subscriber, I feel some responsibility and I can’t afford to be silent for a long time. So, I’ll tell what postponed my sleep a little bit yesterday…
Prehistory. I don’t like my job, but I can cope with it well, therefore, I continue to fulfill it. Everyone needs some interest that helps to distract his mind in such a situation. In search of a new hobby I came across drawing courses.
What happened next? I haven’t signed up for the courses yet. I just understood that I can’t draw. But! But I remembered the elementary school and the teacher of drawing. After that the memory that I liked to draw came. I was often praised until our class get a new girl, whose drawings were better than mine, because the teacher stopped to praise me.
Result. I realized how my classmates felt at the time when I was happy about new praise and I was embarrassed for having rejoiced in my superiority. And no, I didn’t try harder to earn new praise and return the favour of my teacher.
Why am I writing about this? I don’t know. Most likely, I took the wrong solution or I didn’t draw a correct conclusion. But I know that not everyone can be a leader as well as not everyone have to be.
P.S. Drawing courses still are on the agenda.